- Her Truth -

So it had come . The answer I had been waiting for relentlessly for these couple of months . A sort of closure , as we might call it to be , but not quite as such . But whatever the result may be , it is already so . I am left with no choice but to solemnly accept and move on , for what else would it do me ? Even if I choose to dwell excessively upon this matter ? As a matter of fact , as previously mentioned in my earlier entry , I should be exultant on the outcome of any sort . As this means I could finally put myself to rest , for now that I know of the outcome , there's no longer need for me to be tensed up and bundled up in my own pool of poor assumptions , or as I like to phrase them as " my anxiety inducing guessing games " . I have to be blatant in this , brutally honest . Believe me when I say so , that I've foreseen this outcome in the earliest of times . I'm no imbecile fool who could not tell apart right and wrong . I'm a cre...

I would think of this as a sign that we could no longer go back to what we once were . Like the dishevelled pieces of the pinions of an old clock , everything I once hold dearly to heart , has been dismantled .  They no longer exists . Oh how it felt different than it once was . The compassion still there , how merry we were . But something , something was different . Each exchange of glances, laughter and any contact of that sort ,  rather cold and collous . I broke down and sobbed , for what seems to be eternity . I felt helpless . The warmth of us were my poison but yet my antidote , which kept me moving for the past months but yet had trampled over me countless numbers of nights . How much yet can I bear ? I do not know , and I do not wish to recall of any of these memories . Each as sweet as the purest of honey , but leaving bitter after taste in the back of my throat . A constant reminder of my failure , my downfall . I've foreseen this outcome...

It seems like for the past two months I have been waiting for this day to come . 24th of June 2018 . But of course , in this place , I wouldn't be disclosing exactly what is  going on with my life as it correlates with matters regarding privacy of not only my own but of others . It turns out that I've waited for something that may or may not come , which makes it that much more frustrating . I went on a long bike ride like I always do a few hours ago , it was a pleasant ride indeed , where I had my earphones on , listening to musics I love , contemplating on a lot of stuff . It felt as if my thoughts are running alongside the wheels of my bike . Faster , faster and yes , faster . I find it really pleasing to let my hair loose while i ride my bike , feeling the gentle breeze caressing my hair , it takes away everything . My stress , my fear and sometimes , my sorrow . Ah yes , before I run too far off topic , recently I've been into Sleeping At Last . And I've been espe...

Such a peculiar title , ain't I right ? Right now I'm experiencing what has to be the worst feelings I could feel , on a daily basis . Panic attacks . How should I put these in words ? These explosions of emotions. Excruciating . Somehow I've mastered the art of remaining calm and collective on the outside,  while on the inside , my heart rate is up , my mind in constant turmoil of dismantled fragments of thoughts . It feels like the world is crumbling down . How do I feel ? Lost . Anxious . Fear of something that does not exist or yet to happen . Only when I'm alone that I am able to break down and sob . For no one cares about the silent mews of a girl perceived to be of possession of a weak soul and mind . Be more positive and stop over thinking they said .  It's just a small matter that you've over contemplated they said . You're too overly sensitive they said .  To my confidants and confidantes, and also all my other acquaintances  ...

Venturing into 2018  I can't escape my mind . Every single day , every hour , every minute and every second . I am not capable of handling what goes through my head . It seems like a never ending train of thoughts playing on loop in my head . What should I do later ? Tomorrow ? Future ? What I could've done on that particular day ? Past ? A more optimistic way of addressing this : " thinking ahead of time " But is it really so ? Am I really just purely thinking ahead of time or am i contributing greatly to my own anxiety disorder ? During March to May 2018 , I had the second lowest point of my life . ( First would be when I was 14 , reference on earlier posts of 2012 ) I felt like I have sunk so deep and fallen so low  , that I felt like what I've worked so hard on building were all crumbling down to pieces . To the vast nothingness . On March 2018 , I was diagnosed with depression , anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder . At first...

Hello there . I guess it's been a great while since i last posted an entry here on Blogger . Two years , to be exact .  I guess today I'll be doing a bit of update here and there about how my life had changed in the past two years and I might emphasize more on the past three months .  To put it short ,  after quitting KDU University College Penang in July 2016 , I've entered ATC Penang on January of 2017 to start my A-levels on Humanities subjects .  And now I've finished my A-levels in ATC Penang and with God's grace , I hope I'll be able to at least pass .  Okay , by now a lot of you might be curious as to why the requirement for a mere " PASS " ? " The egoistic Feon who had very high expectations of herself now wants a mere " PASS " in her examinations ? Who would have thought ? " Now now , let me tell you why . 2017 - Year to Remember  Reality slapped me hard on the face . To tell the truth , I'v...