Three Months II - Toxic relationship
Venturing into 2018
I can't escape my mind .
Every single day ,
every hour , every minute and every second .
I am not capable of handling what goes through my head .
It seems like a never ending train of thoughts playing on loop in my head .
What should I do later ?
Tomorrow ?
Future ?
What I could've done on that particular day ?
Past ?
A more optimistic way of addressing this :
" thinking ahead of time "
But is it really so ?
Am I really just purely thinking ahead of time or am i contributing greatly to my own anxiety disorder ?
During March to May 2018 ,
I had the second lowest point of my life .
( First would be when I was 14 , reference on earlier posts of 2012 )
I felt like I have sunk so deep and fallen so low ,
that I felt like what I've worked so hard on building were all crumbling down to pieces .
To the vast nothingness .
On March 2018 ,
I was diagnosed with depression , anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder .
At first I was ashamed of myself ,
for how can I be ,
or even allow myself to be ,
so weak of a person ?
Also on March this year ,
I've promptly ended my 4 years relationship with a man that I've loved with my heart and soul .
He was my everything ,
and without him I was little to nothing
at least that was what I thought .
Or should I say ,
that was what he made me think .
Toxic relationship , I would say .
How should I describe my past 4 years of relationship ?
Distasteful . Nauseating .
How would I describe X ?
Abominable . Vile . Abusive . Manipulative . Feeble minded homo sapien .
I am in no way maliciously slandering anyone in any way .
For I did not mention any names here .
And I am merely stating my thoughts and what had happened ,
from my point of view ,
from my perspective ,
and from how I felt .
I am undoubtedly sure that I have every rights to what goes through my mind ,
and to write it down ,
as long as I'm not slandering or harming anyone with my nonsensical prattles .
For if you'd be mindful of your reputation ,
you wouldn't have done what you've done .
I am not a person to weave up and conspire intricate webs of lies .
I speak my mind ,
and I am devoted to my truth .
The people around me that had been through everything with me would know what actually happened .
God stand as witness .
" The truth shall reveal itself ;
Only the wise could see through the lies . "
I can't escape my mind .
Every single day ,
every hour , every minute and every second .
I am not capable of handling what goes through my head .
It seems like a never ending train of thoughts playing on loop in my head .
What should I do later ?
Tomorrow ?
Future ?
What I could've done on that particular day ?
Past ?
A more optimistic way of addressing this :
" thinking ahead of time "
But is it really so ?
Am I really just purely thinking ahead of time or am i contributing greatly to my own anxiety disorder ?
During March to May 2018 ,
I had the second lowest point of my life .
( First would be when I was 14 , reference on earlier posts of 2012 )
I felt like I have sunk so deep and fallen so low ,
that I felt like what I've worked so hard on building were all crumbling down to pieces .
To the vast nothingness .
On March 2018 ,
I was diagnosed with depression , anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder .
At first I was ashamed of myself ,
for how can I be ,
or even allow myself to be ,
so weak of a person ?
Also on March this year ,
I've promptly ended my 4 years relationship with a man that I've loved with my heart and soul .
He was my everything ,
and without him I was little to nothing
at least that was what I thought .
Or should I say ,
that was what he made me think .
Toxic relationship , I would say .
How should I describe my past 4 years of relationship ?
Distasteful . Nauseating .
How would I describe X ?
Abominable . Vile . Abusive . Manipulative . Feeble minded homo sapien .
I am in no way maliciously slandering anyone in any way .
For I did not mention any names here .
And I am merely stating my thoughts and what had happened ,
from my point of view ,
from my perspective ,
and from how I felt .
I am undoubtedly sure that I have every rights to what goes through my mind ,
and to write it down ,
as long as I'm not slandering or harming anyone with my nonsensical prattles .
For if you'd be mindful of your reputation ,
you wouldn't have done what you've done .
I am not a person to weave up and conspire intricate webs of lies .
I speak my mind ,
and I am devoted to my truth .
The people around me that had been through everything with me would know what actually happened .
God stand as witness .
" The truth shall reveal itself ;
Only the wise could see through the lies . "
A little snippet from my Twitter
" It was about October last year , we were in the midst of one of our worst fights . Dua Lipa’s Scared to be Lonely was always on replay on the radio . Listening to it now reminds me of how small and how lost I felt back then ."
"You belittled me and called me names .
You shamed me for what I am and you took my love for you as hostage . You knew I would never leave despite all the ill treatment . You know I was vulnerable , mentally and physically ."
" To reminisce everything now . It doesn’t hurt as much anymore . It feels like a little sting in the heart . I was not weak , you were . For you could not handle me at my worst when I did the same , for you . How small of a person you were ."
Twitter : @Feonmeow_
https://twitter.com/Feonmeow_
https://twitter.com/Feonmeow_
Toxic relationship .
She was blind ,
entwined with beautiful but empty lies .
Though her thoughts ate her alive .
Every single day .
She knew somehow she could survive .
And she did .
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