- Closure - 29th June 2018 -

So it had come .
The answer I had been waiting for relentlessly for these couple of months .
A sort of closure ,
as we might call it to be ,
but not quite as such .
But whatever the result may be ,
it is already so .
I am left with no choice but to solemnly accept and move on ,
for what else would it do me ?
Even if I choose to dwell excessively upon this matter ?
As a matter of fact ,
as previously mentioned in my earlier entry ,
I should be exultant on the outcome of any sort .
As this means I could finally put myself to rest ,
for now that I know of the outcome ,
there's no longer need for me to be tensed up and bundled up in my own pool of poor assumptions ,
or as I like to phrase them as " my anxiety inducing guessing games " .
I have to be blatant in this ,
brutally honest .
Believe me when I say so ,
that I've foreseen this outcome in the earliest of times .
I'm no imbecile fool who could not tell apart right and wrong .
I'm a creature trained to move with utter contemplation and logic .
But yet ,
I've lost to this virtual idea ,
a mortal feeling ,
that we know as -------- Love .
Foolish ,
foolish indeed .
For how could I ?
How could I ,
yet again ,
after all these years ( as a matter of fact , 8 years of my life ) ,
be so entrance by the idea of Love ?
So entrapped by the feeling of it ,
knowing by heart the outcome to be so bitter and heart wrenching ?
Dear young foolish heart of mine ,
not exactly young in the current moment ,
when will you learn ?
If I am to draw my own heart ,
not in it's organ form ( I do not know exactly the word for this , my apologies ) ,
but the kind that we imagine our hearts to be ,
mine would be of that full of scars .
Scars from my exorbitantly foolish and ignorant self ,
for allowing myself to be repeatedly hurt for the same exact reasons .
Isn't this the bad endless cycle of stupidity we've been warned against ?
Ah ,
I would admit myself to be that of a desperate kind .
I longed to be loved and cherished ,
to be thought of dearly and cared for lovingly by someone .
Oh ,
anyone would do .
But at the end ,
I've become that person to care for people .
It would be so selfish and ungrateful of me to say this ,
perhaps a bit lunatic of me to even have thought of this ,
but I've never felt cared for .
At least ,
emotionally .
The origin of this desperateness goes all the way back to my childhood ,
or as I think it does .
Childhood emotional trauma and neglect .
 I detest the word " trauma " ,
as it makes me sound pretentious and melodramatic .
But I do understand it's just my own bias opinion towards this word ,
I do not mean any discrimination to those actually facing trauma of any sort .
You're a brave warrior in your own rights , dearest .

Back to the original topic ,
no matter the outcome ,
no .
Now that the outcome is laid before me , 

flat and obvious ,
must I be so bothered by it ?
For the result has been decided ,
my destiny written down by fate as such presented in front of me ,
I must remind myself that I shall not be bothered by it .
At least not for too long .
I hope .
I pray .
Spare me my sanity ,
for all I wish for now is mere tranquility and peace of mind .
And I do think it's not much to ask for ,
if only I could allow myself to be .
If only .

Funny that I've always told myself that ,
" Love knows no closure .
Love tells no ending . " 
For we're always left with the urge to know more ,
more explanations as to why , what and how .

-------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------

Roll down the curtains for the stage now , darling .
For the end had come ,
to another chapter of your life ,
Shall we peek for the sequel ?
Rather not .
Let it be , dearest .
The future will unravel itself ,
in it's most glorious form in it's own time . 
Let it be , dearest . 
-------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------