Solace and Forgiveness - 7th February 2023 -

 Hello again, my dearest readers. 

There are so many songs that are constantly on repeat in my playlist and I really can't decide which one is the one I love best at this moment. 

I've decided I would want to put down this song here, called <好想爱这个世界啊> by Hua Chen Yu. 

My friend introduced this song to me and told me this song was written by the singer when he was contemplating death during the darkest times of his life.

And God, when I listened to the lyrics it really does hit me right in the heart. 

In December last year, everything came crumbling down in an instant and I realised that I couldn't do this alone anymore. 

I found myself in a very dark place in my life where all I could ever think of was to end my own life with my own hands.

This scary thought and this voice within me would torment me again and again until I fear that I myself, would give in. 

I finally picked myself up from the mess I'd held within all these years and went to the psychiatrist to seek professional help. 

I need help with myself in order to stay alive, 

and I'm in a situation where I'm required to stay alive.

As expected, 

I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and adult ADHD. 

I am currently on prescribed medication to treat my depression and anxiety disorder, but I had refused medication for my ADHD as I'm used to dealing with it on my own. (PS: Even the doctor was surprised by how determined and gritty I am when it comes to my studies despite having ADHD and zero help from medication.)

After 3 months of medication and being self-aware, 

I'm slowly reaching a place, mentally, where I can feel at peace with myself and everything that is occurring around me. 

Life has not turned easy, perhaps it will become more difficult. 

But with practice, I'm slowly feeling better. 

At least way better than months back.

I am well aware that I am an adult with responsibilities and I am glad that I am taking my mental issues seriously this year. 

I no longer want to dwell in this mess that has been my worst enemy throughout my life.

It is time to be responsible with myself and take control of this disaster before it goes out of hand.

From years and years of experience, I choose to face and accept reality as it is. 

As I know turning a blind eye to it (aka. running away from it) or finding distractions would ultimately lead to mental destruction. 

I choose to feel my trauma-induced pain, 

to work on and accept my pain, 

to forgive my pain, 

and to grow from my pain.

2023 will be a year of forgiveness,

it is a year I will learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes and my present and future incapabilities.

To learn and grow from all that is happening around me. 

To not fear the unknown and sudden occurrences in life. 

I will learn to forgive and let go of all those who have hurt me. 

Not because they deserve to be forgiven;

And certainly not because what they have done is right. 

It's because I deserve peace, love, and happiness without being disrupted by the mortal worries of the world. 

I will learn to forgive people for being foolish and not punish myself for their mistakes. 

I need to understand that it is their upbringing and character that makes them who they are and drives them to do what they've done. 

They could not help themselves and I should be more understanding and forgiving of their incapabilities as I do mine. 

It is a pleasant surprise to realize that, 

having forgiveness in my heart brings solace and peace in my life and I am absolutely glad to have come to this realisation. 

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2022.

It's time to let go of what is no longer serving me.

It's time to forgive. 

To start anew.

2023.

A year to grow. 

A year to learn.

A year to love. 

A year to cherish. 

A year to forgive.

And most importantly, 

a year to live.

And I want to live,

I want to stay alive.

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