- Nameless Excitement - 9th July 2018 -

As usual I'll start off by placing in a song here that mesmerised me today .
Today ,
it's Somewhere Only We know covered by Reneé Dominique .
She possesses such soothing voice as those of sweet angels .
Soft soothing songs calms me down a whole lot when I'm agitated or upset ,
that's why the songs I listen to are mostly slow and smooth .

I guess by writing down how and what I feel is a good thing ,
at least I'm mindful of my own emotions and mental state .
As I've mentioned in an earlier post a few days ago ,
I had bought myself a little notebook that I could carry around so that I could jot down any little thoughts and observations I've come across on a daily basis .
That way I could be sure of my own thoughts throughout the day .
Last night was a rough one ,
I had only had 2 hours of shut eye because I was experiencing waves after waves of different emotions in a marathon-like sequence .
First was immense frustration ,
almost rage like emotions and then I slipped into a rather confusing depressed state  .
I know the answer to my own problems ,
but yet I'm not able to remedy it for my conscience will never allow me to do so .
So to put it short  ,
it was inner war between my logical self and my emotional self  .
My mind was in a turmoil until I accidentally fell asleep .
I remember the last time I glanced at the clock on my phone screen , 

it was past 2 am in the morning .
I listened to Passenger's Home and I guess I slept after that .
I woke up to my phone dead ,
drained of battery .
4: 17 am .
Oddly hyped up and excited for no apparent reason .
I could feel my heart pumping fast ,
almost gasping for air .
I managed to hold it down as I continued reading where I left off with Philippa Gregory's King Maker's Daughters ,
30 minutes down the excitement worn off and I was back to normal again which I felt so relieved about .
Recently ,
from what I observed ,
it is not very healthy for me to get too excited as I know by heart the next few hours will be excruciatingly painful .
But to be sensible ,
any sane person could tell that being excited and hyped up for no reason is not healthy .
This rendered me down to a state where  I'm very convinced  ,
and rather fearful of being truly happy .
As I do not know if I'm genuinely excited and happy for a good reason ,
or is this omen for my oncoming on and off depression ?
( I make my depression sound so comedic )

As for why I was agitated in the first place ,
I'd rather not disclose .
But for my own memo for future read backs .
I'll put some hints here for myself :
( WhatsApp , Vagueness , Help , AusG , Confuse )
Just in case I forget this in the future which is highly unlikely but somewhat possible judging from my current ability to remember things .
I deleted my old WhatsApp account and re-registered a new one .
I'm not very sure as to what I need help in .

Here ,
that certain individual would understand my question .
For I have a  very clear sense of direction as to where I must head in order to eliminate my own dilemma but then I'm just to stubborn to oblige to my logical self .
I guess I'm entrapped by my emotional self ,
as she is more tenderhearted and knows me best for where I find comfort ，
even if I find comfort in the most unconventional and unhealthy places .
At the end I could only tell myself :
" Serves me rather right for being this way ."

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I hope you find peace and love amidst of all the troubled times . 

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