- Youth - 30th May 2022 -

 

Greetings. 

Let's start with the usual.

You would've heard this song all over the internet by now. 

I don't really understand the meaning, but it is a beautiful song and I really like it. 

I've finally finished my degree and is currently waiting for the graduation ceremony. (If I could  pass my finals, that is). 

However, 

I feel like passing would not be much of a problem as I tried my best just like I always do. 

So what brought me here today? In this semi-abandoned blog? 

A lot has happened along the year and I could safely say that 2022 is not a year that I would remember fondly. 

As usual, I would never disclose private matters onto the internet but all the things that had happened this year would surely be ingrained in my mind.

Plans had changed, multiple anxiety inducing incidents had happened and everything is not going as planned. 

But I have to convince myself that this is exactly life should be, 'not going as planned'. 

I can't mourn over every single thing that does not go my way. 

It would be disastrous for me, mentally, to do so. 

This year was a slap in the face. 

A painful reality check.

A déjà vu of how I felt 6 years ago. 

I have learned to cherish everything that I got. 

My family, friends, those who love me, and also my health. 

I slowly came to realised that I'm almost reaching my mid-20s. 

Not very old in a sense, 

but I could feel changes in my body. 

I'm not as energetic as I used to be. 

I'm slowly reaching the age where I should not be taking my health for granted. 

And I surely want to take good care of my body and also of those who I love. 

And with my growth, 

comes the aging of my parents. 

I'm mortified by the idea that one day, 

my parents will no longer be with me. 

I understand that the experience of eternal separation is inevitable. 

It is a part of life. 

But when the idea comes to mind, 

it still breaks my heart. 

I have another year to complete my bar school. 

I hope I could graduate quickly, get a job, and at least be a daughter that my parents do not have to worry about. 

I wish time could slow down. 

I wish time could have mercy. 

I wish I could be there for my family. 

But I'm so far away from them. 

At this age, 

nothing feels more important than just being healthy and safe. 

And I wish the same for all those who are around me. 

Wealth and power would not come if one does not possess a healthy body and mind. 

This is a mindset that I've never had before.

For better or for worse,

these past 6 years had truly opened my eyes and mercilessly forced my growth. 

I wish I could say that I'm grateful for the catalyst of my growth. 

But I'm not mentally quite there to do so. 

I'm not strong enough, or mentally stable enough, to be able to convince myself that I'm grateful for the growth. 

But I guess it is what it is. 

I'm not perfect. 

And I have so much more to learn. 

But I believe that the day will come, 

where I could look back at these days and be glad that it had made me learn things that those my age couldn't. 

But not today. 

Not now.