- Traipse - 28th January 2020 -

I know it's a bit late for a new entry this year,

but anyhow, 

I'm back at it again. 

Before I start,
let me just fulfill my usual routine by inserting my current favourite song. 

' It's always the little things '- by Guo Ding. 

Sometimes I'm ashamed of myself,

I guess I'm still the same old me wherever I go. 

I was and still is, 

A person who hates crowded places.

A person who avoids loud obnoxious environment at all times. 

A person who enjoys tranquility and her own piece of mind ( perhaps a bit too much ). 

A person who is a sucker for songs with actual meanings. 

And a person who is helplessly emotional and affectionate. 

Till this day, 

I am not able to understand fully, 

whether the ability to feel deeply, 

is a curse or a blessing. 

At times I'm glad that I could feel, 

because it reminds me that I'm alive. 

I would not exchange this for anything else and I certainly do not want to spiral back to that place where I couldn't feel anything. 

Emotionally numb. 

But to be able to feel now, 

it feels like a whole new burden. 

I feel lost. 

Petrified by the uncertainty of the future, 

yet tormented by the past. 

I don't know what to feel. 

But don't we all ?

Sometimes I'm ashamed of myself, 

I'm too strongly opinionated regarding certain matters and I would think too much of it.  

I would never stop until I feel like it's deeply rooted in my brain. 

I feel like the process of acceptance comes slow,

but at times I have to understand that everything may not come under the range of my acceptance. 

My norm may not be the norm of others. 

I need to learn to take certain things lightly. 

And I need to learn to not let things affect me. 

This world is a bizarre place filled with people of all sort.

Getting shocked over every little thing I come across would not serve me well. 

But to tell the truth, 

sometimes it feels terrible. 

To be what you're not. 

And to bury your own true feelings. 

To put up an unbothered face when deep inside,

it kills you.

But I've learned the hard way that if you do not adapt to your surroundings, 

you will end up being drowned by it. 

Till this day, 

I could never let my guards down. 

Not after all that has happened. 

Sometimes I'm ashamed of myself, 

that I couldn't get over my past trauma and my life gets affected by it. 

I feel weak. 

I feel tired. 

I feel small.

The thought that this shall be something that will torment me for the rest of my life sickens me to the core. 

I start to fear that maybe I find comfort in my own past trauma. 

That it's because of the comfort that I'm not able to heal as fast as I should. 

I don't want to be this way anymore. 

But I can't stop myself.

I don't want to think about it anymore.

But it comes back.

And at times i feel like... 

I don't want to be me anymore.
No,
I'm not sad nor am I emotional now.
I'm just tired,
tired of myself.
Tired of not being able to like myself. 
Even after all these years.

Sometimes I'm ashamed of myself. 

I still am, 

ashamed of myself.