- Elapse - 15th December 2019 -

It's December.
It's December, again.
I couldn't quite wrap my head around the fact that another year had passed me by.
Before any of these,
as usual,
I'll placed here another one of my favourite song of the week. 

「別の人の彼女になったよ」‐　WACCI

Although this is a cover from my favourire singer Asagiinyo-san,

she still managed to nailed this song and bring out the melancholic feeling of it.

The direct translation means

[ I Became Someone Else's Girlfriend ]

Pretty bizarre name, I know.

But before you jump the gun and give in to judging this song.

Have a look at the lyrics and how bitter sweet it is.

I will attach a link here with English translation and you be the judge after giving it a look.

( SONG LYRICS TRANSLATION HERE )

This song just stirs so much emotions in me.

I have no idea how to describe my feelings after I listen to it.

But the I could resonate to the lyrics so much.

I guess this blog would pretty much be a reflection blog.

One like I always write down in the end of the year, every year.

How 2019 has passed in a blink of an eye.

As I've mentioned earlier,

I'm already in the midst of second year of my university course.

It's as difficult as expected,

but I'll somehow pull this through.

I don't think I'll have much problem with school as long as I study consistently like I always do.

But I will have to wait until i completed all of my coursework so that I could settle down and study with peace.

Ahh... it's the season of joy and warmth again.

I love Christmas,

I really do.

Although this year,

very unusually,

I'll need to spend Christmas away from home as I want to continue with my coursework and end it earlier so I could go back to my hometown for Lunar New Year.

I kind of feel a bit left out as I wont be able to bake Christmas cake for my parents.

They love it when I make them Christmas cake,

guess that's how life is.

I just have to move on.

In life, we win some and we lose some.

Don't we ?

One year after my escape from the 4 years of abusive relationship.

I got into another long distance one.

How far you ask ?

14 hours time difference.

If you wanna guess where is it,

be my guest.

Didn't work out and I guess my ability to love someone died alongside the last ex.

At least that's how I perceive it.

Or should I say,

that's how I thought it was.

Funny how the one I once thought were dear to me are now nothing but strangers.

Funny how one year after leaving the abusive relationship I'm still coping with the PTSD symptoms.

Funny how I even allowed all these people to step over my boundaries and disrespect me.

Funny.

Yes,

funny.

I no longer see any of these as troublesome or tragic,

nor do I grief over these incidents.

I slowly came to accept that these are my past.

And I have to make peace with them despite the trauma and how it shaped me.

But the lesson is,

I had to grow up and become independent.

I had to stand firm on my feet and start doing things with my own hands.

Luckily,

after walking out of the abusive relationship I got the chance to learn and grow in the span of a year.

All thanks to the long distance relationship.

So hey,

at least there's still a bright side to the story.

I grew up.

I became the woman that I wanted to be.

Strong and independent.

I became someone who needs no one,

who relies on no one.

I met so many wonderful people this year.

Dearest friends in my university.

Reconciled with old friends.

And the bond I have with my already-best-friend is going ever strong.

This year I lost someone but I met new people and that's what I'm so grateful about.

Never have I thought,

this time last year.

Someone as battered down as I was,

as someone who had explosive socially anxiety,

would slowly crawl out of her comfort zone and once again be who she once was,

one chatter box who talks to just about anyone and everyone ( which I now prefer myself to at least be a bit more quiet since I talk too much nonsense and gives out too much incomprehensible sound effects. )

For all the love and support I've gotten from each and every one of you,

I'll forever remember it.

I'm so grateful I'm fortunate enough to meet people who would accept me.

Next year I'll be flying off.

Next year, it sounds like it's in the far off future doesn't it?

But I do not believe so,

as this year has passed by,

next year will come around soon.

How do I feel ?

Nervous, yes.

For I'm a clumsy person and I couldn't,

for my life,

not do anything without making foolish errors.

But I hope it'll go fine.

New journey sounds horrifying,

but I guess that's exactly what I need.

A sort of ' kick in the bum' to move on with life and grow even more mentally.

I yearn to grow more.

I'm sick and tired of being the same mentally broken me.

This year,

there's another little fortunate blessing.

I could never have envisioned this happening in the midst of 2019.

But now,

it's pretty much something that is so dear and so surreal to me.

To you who might be reading this now,

thank you for being such a kind soul to me.

Thank you for understanding me.

Thank you for being you.

Your presence had brought me tremendous joy and had swept away much of my grief.

I pray,

though I may not be in any sense religious,

that I would get to be by your side,

as long as I could,

as long as time allows.

Thank you so much.

You're so important now that I couldn't even stand the mere thought of losing you.

This feeling to me,

is bizarre.

That's it for this blog post.

Thank you for reading !

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 As we grow,

our perspective in life changes.

Once what we hold dearly to heart may hold little to no

value now,

and what we least expected may one day be reality.

So don't fuss over things so much,

dearest.

Things happen for a reason.

At the right place and at the right time.

Deep breath,

and move on.

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