- Reluctance - 20th July 2019 -

Greetings. 

Half a year has passed since my last entry. 

I was immensely busy with coursework, assignments and exam preparations. 

And now exam has passed, 

I could finally have a piece of tranquility while the enjoying the city life. 

Isn't it peculiar? 

Life. 

From the lost state I was last year and now I'm here, 

in this big city.

In a new environment. 

With bunch of new friends and acquaintances. 

To be honest, 

this year wasn't a smooth sailing ride either. 

But how could any year be?  

I went through some heartbreaking incidents but to my surprise, 

this time, 

they did not break me. 

It felt more like little stings in the heart, 

nothing more than that. 

Nothing feels as bad as it once was.

I'm not entirely sure if I'm just emotionally numb, 

or I've grown from my experiences. 

I would prefer the latter, 

at least the thought of it comforts me at night. 

That I've learned and grown from experiences and I'm no longer a silly, empty headed fool.

10 months, 

I had my fair share of good times and bad. 

But I guess it was not meant to be.

I was happy. 

Even though everything was swoop away,

banished,

in one last good bye. 

I'm contented that at least I did my best and gave my best shot.
But yet again, 

to my dismay, 

I feel like I've lost a piece of me again. 

I wonder if I could ever learn to love again. 

For the concept of love,

 has been muddled and obscured throughout my years of blind pursue of it. 

Slowly I don't feel hurt anymore, 

I'm rather confused than hurt.

Am I not enough ?

Am I not worthy enough ?

Am I not pretty enough ? 

I feel like I'm seeking reassurance and warmth in all the wrong places.

Like I still am doing, 

now. 

All the logical answers are in my brain. 

I do know the answers to my own questions. 

They're rather rhetorical, 

don't you see? 

I've learn to question everything in a logical manner. 

Perhaps the most tragic of all,

is that, 

I started questioning the concept of love.

I hope to learn to love again. 

Like I once did. 

Like a child. 

Once I believed in forever. 

No longer so.

However much I abhor the process of growth,
it does no good for me even if i resist.
I'll have to let it go,
and see where life leads me. 

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' Bury the child in me. 

Wave her Good Bye. '

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