- Familiarity & Clarity - 4th August 2018 -

 There are so many songs that I've been listening to on repeat lately and I don't really know which one I would post on my blog today .
I guess Birdy's Skinny Love might be the one for this blog .
I unexpectedly stumbled upon Birdy's songs on the end of June this year and I instantly got hooked onto her enchanting voice .
A song that tells my tale ,
a short episode ,
a story of June .
End of June to early July .
A period of time I do not want to remember .
I made my last attempt on spilling the beans this week ,
in hopes that you would at least recognize what you had done me wrong .
In all honesty ,
I do not know what good will it bring me even if you admit what had gone wrong between us .
But I guess I just wanted an answer of some sort ,
at least a reason to fully accept and move on with my life .
Even with this simple request ,
my last request that I ask of you .
Even with my subtle accusations ,
with no malicious attentions whatsoever ,
you chose to dodge and hide . 
You fully understood ,
as a soft and tender person I am ,
for as in love as I was with you that I would never ever ,
in my whole entire life ,
try to hurt you in any way .
I guess you just took advantage of  my kindness ,
for you know I would always forgive anyone who comes to me with apologies in their hands and a sad downturn mouths on their faces .
How hypocritical you are ,
sweet love .
You are indeed a hypocrite .
But still ,
I could never bring myself to hate you in any way .
The fond memories I had of you had been deeply ingrained in my heart , 

like the long forgotten carved initials of the lost love birds on an old oak tree somewhere in the hidden corners of the forest .
The love may have been forgotten by the two who once shared it ,
but the painful scar remains ,
for the old oak tree ,
standing tall on the same spot ,
as it reminisce the good times of the entrancing love of two young hearts .
For me ,
it's rather impossible to hate someone that I loved with the entirety of my heart and soul .

I remember I wrote something like this in the makeshift diary that I gave you as we bid each other good bye for the last time .
I assume it's the last time I'll ever see you ,
for I never planned to tell you where I'll be heading to in the near future .
And you won't be back any time soon .

" The fire of hatred shall burn one's self . 
Let's not engrave hate into our hearts but try to emboss our souls with the beauty of forgiveness and love . 
We need to learn to let go . "

And at times like this one ,
it applies very well to my own situation .
I could never hate you ,
or for that matter ,
blame you for anything .
I wish you well for your future endeavors ,
my once dearest .
May you fly as high as your wings allow you to ,
and if ever there's a day that you need a place to rest ,
I will be your shelter .

Let's switch topics .
Though none less gloomier than the previous one ,
surely it's a bit on the lighter side .
I was and still am sick with flu for this whole week .
I only went to work two days out of six .
Which made me feel very lost .
I'm a creature of habits and routines .
I live on my repetitive yet hectic lifestyle which is the only thing that makes me feel alive these days .
And to have my schedules all disheveled in an instance due to my flu-infected dysfunctional body ,
I feel that I lost my sense of direction .
Though this may be a short term purpose of my life as I will be leaving this job in another few months to further my studies ,
at least it's the only fuel that keeps me going every day .
Why am I working you ask?
I'm saving up for my dream .
Or should I say I'm saving up to fulfill a promise .
A promise that only I remember .
Though I only get a small portion of salary ,
which is very far away from this particular promise .
But few months down the line ,
I'm sure it'll bring me somewhere .

" A promise that only I remember . "
I hope I recover sooner .
I couldn't bear to take leaves anymore .
I'm not desperate for money ,
it's just that resting is not my thing .
I hate resting .
It leaves me with more time to overthink ,
my thoughts go uncontrollably wild and I have no way of putting it to a stop .
One day of rest pulls me a step backward .
One day of rest and I'm further away from my promise .
I need to recover soon .
Very soon .

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God knows what is hiding in this world of little consequence .
Behind the tears , inside the lies .
A thousand slowly dying sunsets .
God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts .
I guess the loneliness came knocking ,
no one needs to be alone ,
oh save me .

- People Helping People . Birdy 

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