- Dual Finale - 10th to 12th August -

" You're a world away ,
somewhere in the crowd , 
in a foreign place , 
are you happy now ? " - Happy Now by Zedd , Elley Duhe 

This part of the whole song hits me the most .
Right in the heart .
Why is it so ?
You're so far away from me ,
not only in the form of physical distance ,
but the distance of our hearts .
" You were . " 
Yes ,
were . 

I guess I'm pretty much the type of person who would replay a song so much that it annoys the hell out of others .
To be specific ,
I've been hooked on to this song for quite a while now .
It's like a daily routine to listen to this song while I'm on my way to work .

10th August 2018 ( Friday ) 
After a couple of months of you repetitively asking me if I was free ,
that you wanted to see me ,
and me continuously refusing to see you .
I finally felt maybe it was best for us to just sort things out once and for all .
It's been half a year since our separation and I had pretty much moved on with my life .
I could now genuinely smile and proudly say I'm doing good with my current life and that I no longer need to rely on anyone else .
I'm no longer afraid nor belittled and I will never ,
once more ,
fall back into that position of despair and abasement .
I offered for us to call each other over the phone so you could just tell me what was in that twisted and horrid mind of yours .
That was my last mercy to you .
The last ever chance that I would ever give for you to make yourself clear .
But you and I ,
we both know ,
all the truth I could tell .
The truth will never be wiped off by a mere apology over the phone .
 Not to mention your expressed sympathy for my mental problems ( which mind you , was caused by you . ) ,
it sounded more like a joke than a sincere apology .
The damage has been created .
It's done .
Anything else is too late .
Turns out I wasted 17 minutes of my life calling you ,
there's something about you that irritates me immensely ,
the same agitating ambiguity you put on regarding the subjects when they're being discussed .
You never felt sorry for me .
You feel sorry for yourself .
You could not get over the guilt anymore ,
that they're eating you away .
For I believe ,
as monstrous as a person you were ,
you are a still human by blood and soul and therefore ,
you possessed the ability to feel remorseful .
I will never accept your apology .
What you did to me will never be buried down alongside the insincere apologies you hurled my way .
We are in our awkward age of twenty ,
barely an adult yet  no more a teenager .
The society expects us to be and act like an adult .
So as full grown adults we've both become ,
I expect you to understand about the fact that whatever you do comes with their own sets of inevitable consequences .
Bear that in mind .
Apology will never wipe our histories clean .
It shall never take away the pain you've caused me .
I would never forgive you  ,
but someday ,
I'll forget you .
And that someday ,
is now .

11th August 2018 
I relived that moment again .
The moment where my heart finally whispered " STOP . "
It felt more like a snap ,
a snap back to logic ,
and I started to feel a sense of clarity .
As if all the dull hazy clouds have been stirred clear away from the sky ,
like the first ray of light streaming down majestically after the rain .
I felt tranquility and peacefulness .
Yes ,
I can see clearly now .
I could no longer provide for you ,
my once dearest .
I've decided to use the remaining pieces of sparks in me to light myself a lamp ,
to guide and nurse my own soul back to health .
I did all I could to help you .
And you know very well that I had once loved you with all my heart  .
For those to be not enough ,
I'll never know what else I could provide in order to save you .
I'm not sorry for my selfishness this time .
For where were you when I needed help ?
No where .
But please remember ,
my once dearest of friend .
You are loved by many .
You'll never be alone .
Stay strong .

( Above are two different individuals that I've blocked on my social media accounts to prevent further conflicts from arising further down the future . )

Side note ::
I realised I could no longer deal with people who never wants to be in my life .
I did my part .
Ain't it funny ?
Where people  say absolutely nothing when you do them a favor without asking for anything else in return  ,
but once you refuse that particular favor you've been asked to complete day in and day out ,
they'll make you sound like you're doing something horrendous ,
when you clearly have the rights to refuse .
To those who don't wat to stay in my life ,
it's okay to tell me  that you want to leave .
Let's make it less a fuss for both of us .
I'm absolutely fine by that and I'll hold the front door for you .
The decision shall always be yours . 

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Often in life ,
the most important question we can ask ourselves is :
" Do we really have the problem we think we have ? " 

- Sheri Fink 
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