- Emotional Numbness - 13th July 2018 -

This song has been replaying on my phone again and again these few days .
I'm a mess by Bebe Rexha .
Setting aside the meaning behind the lyrics ,
at least it's an upbeat song .
At least .

A little update on my memory .
I could remember bits of the sequence of events throughout the week .
I could remember names of most of  the people I'm with .
It's going good so far .
Except for the fact that it took me another 20 minutes to remember who I went out with yesterday .
I went to my friend's house yesterday and I remember her kitchen very well .
Light blue furnishing and cabinets in the kitchen .
That's all I remember .
Not where we went .
Not who's house I was in .
Not who I went out with .
I was making breakfast when I had a flashback memory of my friend's kitchen and I stood in front of the stove for a solid 20-30 minutes trying to think who's house I went to yesterday .
But at least I remembered in the end ,
much to my relief .

I have not been going out as much lately compared to the weeks in June .
This means that I do not see as much people as I did a few weeks back .
I guess I'm taking my own time off  to heal myself .
Sometimes I try my very best to be cheerful ,
or in other words ,
to be within the range of the socially defined " ordinary " .
I try to go out ,
catch up with people ,
mostly friends .
But in the end I get so worn out ,
even in the company of those dearest to me .
Most of the time ,
I wish not to see anyone .
It's not about the fact that I'm socially anxious .
It's just that I tend to get very tired after a long day of socializing .
I don't hate people .
I'm just genuinely not a person who seeks affiliation ,
I'd much rather avoid affiliation most of the time as I would not need to think of ways of being polite and to not offend anyone . 
Moreover ,
being socially awkward ,
I'm of that type who is not well familiarized enough with the ways to refuse requests that has been asked of me . 
I seldom say no .
Which contributes to how weary I feel each time I try to socialize .
It drains the colour off my face ,
kills my soul ,
and extinguishes the sparks within me ,
which I believe to be not much of left .

It's a wonder that I could forgive anyone who comes by and hurts me ,
with easy forgiveness and a weary laughter .
Even if they had killed me inside ,
I would still be able to forgive .
But I could never forget the pain that they've caused me .
And most of the time self-loathe kicks in and I would tell myself that I'm at fault for allowing myself to be hurt in such a foolish matter while firmly knowing of the consequences of such trust I have for people that I love .
Yes.
For I know by heart that only those who I truly and care and love would be able to hurt me that I blame myself for the hurt I feel inside .
Lately I've been secretive of all of my own problems .
I feel no urge to tell anyone as I now understand ,
finally ,
at my awkward age of 20 ,
that no one would truly understand what I feel inside .
Let me rephrase my words .
I would much rather think of this as " giving up " on all hopes and dreams instead of actually understanding this absurdity of a concept .
No words could truly express how tormented my mind is .
No one understands . 
Never will I ever believe in such cockamamie ( forgive me , this is my new favorite word I've learned this week ) of affectionate consolation such as ,
" If there's anything , please don't hesitate to tell me . "
" You're not alone , I'll be here for you . "
" I'll listen to you . " 
Utter bunch of rubbish .

I realized I could no longer feel as much emotions like I used to .
What do I mean by this ?
It's gotten to a point where I could not feel genuinely the strong and true emotions that a normal person should be feeling .
Am I honestly that messed up of a person ?
Or subconsciously ,
I'm slowly giving up ?
I'll never know .
I would categorize my emotions into three big rough chunks :
Happiness , Sadness and Rage .
Lately I couldn't feel rage or happiness anymore .
Just irritation and slight amusement with most of the incidences I cross path with .
I sincerely fear that one day I  would not feel things in it's entirety .
I do want to be of those who feels nothing .
Ironically ,
sadness is the only emotion that runs strong still ,
but not as often .
I am aware that I still laugh a lot ,
I still make a fool of myself and of course ,
 a lot of jesting still ,
like I always do .
People like that about me ,
and I do not intend to change the free spirited self that everyone expects of me .
Even if they are not genuine in nature .
But deep down ,
all the laughter feels more like reflective response rather than a heart felt laughter that I long for .
As puzzling as this may sound ,
excitement is the emotion I fear most lately .
I'm a true believer that after every excitement comes with immense sadness to counter balance my emotions .
Lately I get excited way too often ,
and most of them ,
 oddly enough ,
are those without proper reasons .
Perhaps the most excruciating of that may be the process of subsiding of the excitement I feel .
It withdraws like an ocean tide ,
slow at first ,
pitching up at it's pace and to an abrupt halt .
And then it comes ,
the explosion of unnamed sadness and confusing panic attacks .
I would say sadness comes now and then ,
but when it hits ,
it tend to wash me away like ferocious waves of tsunami .

Wash me away .