- Conflict - 2nd July 2018 -
Let me explain myself here ,
this blog post will only make sense to you if you're my closest of acquaintances .
Anyone other than that of my closest friends may or may not be able to comprehend the exact meaning of this entry .
this blog post will only make sense to you if you're my closest of acquaintances .
Anyone other than that of my closest friends may or may not be able to comprehend the exact meaning of this entry .
Now that's out of the way let me start by saying :
"I'm utterly confused. "
So few days ago I've posted an entry regarding
"I'm utterly confused. "
So few days ago I've posted an entry regarding
- Closure -
https://lilyandthelostbluesky.blogspot.com/2018/06/closure-29th-june-2018.html
It was about the closure of another chapter of my life ,
or as I thought it was .
Apparently I should've let go of what have strangled me for the past couple of months ,
and I've finally made the decision to do so last week .
https://lilyandthelostbluesky.blogspot.com/2018/06/closure-29th-june-2018.html
It was about the closure of another chapter of my life ,
or as I thought it was .
Apparently I should've let go of what have strangled me for the past couple of months ,
and I've finally made the decision to do so last week .
It was horrendous for the first couple of days ,
heart breaking wails and break downs ,
full blown panic attacks
( I'm suppressing it with some Chinese Meds , it works at least a little ) ,
worrisome dysfunction in memory ( which I'll be getting into later in this entry ) and etcetera .
But days down the line I felt better ,
I guess I'm quick when it comes to healing of heart breaks .
Who am I kidding ?
I've been through this way to many times to not know how much it hurts ,
and I'm absurdly too familiar with the process of healing .
Astonishingly ,
I find that the time I use to heal each time I go through some sort of heart break is getting shorter and shorter as I grow older .
I guess my mind and soul and body are gradually getting used to all the adversities I'm putting them through .
I'm in no way saying I'm getting better at heart breaks .
Oh no ,
it still hurts bad shit insane every time .
But I guess with each time of hurting comes with numbness .
I remember that I used to take up to a year to heal just from a single heart break .
Now I'm basically using mere weeks to heal .
I'm in no place to comment if this is a good sign or a bad one because I'm benefiting from it ,
but yet it harms me at times .
It's good that I'm healing at Godspeed as I'm able to jump on my feet and get things done in a mere couple of weeks .
The downside is that sometimes it backfires and it gets back to me .
Like ,
in a single tremendous blow .
There's days where I would wake up and feel all the weight of the world on me ,
and I would find myself weeping into my pillow in the early hours in the morning .
There's days where I would stare up at the ceiling at night wondering what could I have possibly done wrong ?
And of course ,
the same bitter tears .
These aside ,
I'm frustrated and confused.
I have an urge to be mad at someone ,
but then I couldn't .
This is indeed a very frustrating feeling .
It's not that I'm not allowed to be furious ,
but more towards the fact that I couldn't bring myself to be mad .
I just couldn't ,
for some miraculous reason which is probably me being too tenderhearted .
This particular individual has caused me countless grieves , angers and many more irritating emotions ( that I couldn't name ) .
For months you've left me stranded with hopes of reconciliation and you dare to tell me otherwise ?
I should've left earlier .
I should've gave up earlier .
What am I to you , dear ?
I felt that I was everything to you .
I was everywhere .
But not in a good way .
My humour a mere puppet for your entertainment .
I love to make you laugh ,
or at least smile .
My warmth your refuge .
I've always wanted you to feel safe .
These have passed .
But yet I'm left with same question on the tip of my tongue ,
I've tasted and tasted this very question till it felt like it was no more .
What was I to you ?
What am I to you ?
Regarding my dysfunction in memory ,
I'm not quite sure if I'm getting old or am i just too stressed out .
But I couldn't really recall the sequence of events that went through these past few months ,
but it was especially so in June .
I often find myself wondering when an incident happened or when and where did I actually met a person .
This happens quite so often that I'm getting really worried .
I'm a person who likes to take pictures of everything and I've never been so grateful of my own habit of obsessively posting on Instagram with elaborate diary liked captions .
( on my private account of course , it's like my picture diary )
I recognise faces ( thank God ) but I couldn't recall names .
It seems like a normal incident but then what's eerie is that ...
I couldn't recall the names of people I meet on a regular basis .
What finally set me off was the fact that last week ,
I went to Gurney Plaza and the following day I've totally forgotten where I've went or what I did the day before .
It felt like a total memory wipe out .
It was a not a silly little short term memory lapse .
It's a full on questioning myself type of forgetfulness .
I was only reminded of my weeks worth of activity when I dug into my private Instagram and went through my diary like captions and photos ( that's why I'm grateful for my own obsessive Instagramming ) .
I'm sincerely scared of these memory lapse .
I don't want to forget stuff,
I'm still a woman of 20 .
I guess I'm just to exhausted and emotionally stressed out these few months .
Please don't get to me .
Oh my .
heart breaking wails and break downs ,
full blown panic attacks
( I'm suppressing it with some Chinese Meds , it works at least a little ) ,
worrisome dysfunction in memory ( which I'll be getting into later in this entry ) and etcetera .
But days down the line I felt better ,
I guess I'm quick when it comes to healing of heart breaks .
Who am I kidding ?
I've been through this way to many times to not know how much it hurts ,
and I'm absurdly too familiar with the process of healing .
Astonishingly ,
I find that the time I use to heal each time I go through some sort of heart break is getting shorter and shorter as I grow older .
I guess my mind and soul and body are gradually getting used to all the adversities I'm putting them through .
I'm in no way saying I'm getting better at heart breaks .
Oh no ,
it still hurts bad shit insane every time .
But I guess with each time of hurting comes with numbness .
I remember that I used to take up to a year to heal just from a single heart break .
Now I'm basically using mere weeks to heal .
I'm in no place to comment if this is a good sign or a bad one because I'm benefiting from it ,
but yet it harms me at times .
It's good that I'm healing at Godspeed as I'm able to jump on my feet and get things done in a mere couple of weeks .
The downside is that sometimes it backfires and it gets back to me .
Like ,
in a single tremendous blow .
There's days where I would wake up and feel all the weight of the world on me ,
and I would find myself weeping into my pillow in the early hours in the morning .
There's days where I would stare up at the ceiling at night wondering what could I have possibly done wrong ?
And of course ,
the same bitter tears .
These aside ,
I'm frustrated and confused.
I have an urge to be mad at someone ,
but then I couldn't .
This is indeed a very frustrating feeling .
It's not that I'm not allowed to be furious ,
but more towards the fact that I couldn't bring myself to be mad .
I just couldn't ,
for some miraculous reason which is probably me being too tenderhearted .
This particular individual has caused me countless grieves , angers and many more irritating emotions ( that I couldn't name ) .
For months you've left me stranded with hopes of reconciliation and you dare to tell me otherwise ?
I should've left earlier .
I should've gave up earlier .
What am I to you , dear ?
I felt that I was everything to you .
I was everywhere .
But not in a good way .
My humour a mere puppet for your entertainment .
I love to make you laugh ,
or at least smile .
My warmth your refuge .
I've always wanted you to feel safe .
These have passed .
But yet I'm left with same question on the tip of my tongue ,
I've tasted and tasted this very question till it felt like it was no more .
What was I to you ?
What am I to you ?
Regarding my dysfunction in memory ,
I'm not quite sure if I'm getting old or am i just too stressed out .
But I couldn't really recall the sequence of events that went through these past few months ,
but it was especially so in June .
I often find myself wondering when an incident happened or when and where did I actually met a person .
This happens quite so often that I'm getting really worried .
I'm a person who likes to take pictures of everything and I've never been so grateful of my own habit of obsessively posting on Instagram with elaborate diary liked captions .
( on my private account of course , it's like my picture diary )
I recognise faces ( thank God ) but I couldn't recall names .
It seems like a normal incident but then what's eerie is that ...
I couldn't recall the names of people I meet on a regular basis .
What finally set me off was the fact that last week ,
I went to Gurney Plaza and the following day I've totally forgotten where I've went or what I did the day before .
It felt like a total memory wipe out .
It was a not a silly little short term memory lapse .
It's a full on questioning myself type of forgetfulness .
I was only reminded of my weeks worth of activity when I dug into my private Instagram and went through my diary like captions and photos ( that's why I'm grateful for my own obsessive Instagramming ) .
I'm sincerely scared of these memory lapse .
I don't want to forget stuff,
I'm still a woman of 20 .
I guess I'm just to exhausted and emotionally stressed out these few months .
Please don't get to me .
Oh my .
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