- Bemusement ( and L.U ) - 7th July 2018 -

Before I start off my blog ,
this is another song that I'm into this week ,
it's beautiful .
Passenger ft Birdy - Beautiful Birds 

This blog had taken up a rather diary-liked role as I'm writing more frequently this month . 

But of course , 

 I would know to which extend I would need to keep private as this blog is opened for the public to read .
( And for the prying eyes , wink . I see you . ) 

I find it rather interesting to sit down and observe people from afar . 
From their body languages to their behaviours ,
from their little gestures to their use of languages .
I would have written every bits of my thoughts during these observations on this blog posts but unfortunately for me ,
my bad memory had interfered in such a way that I couldn't really remember much of my thought processes .
I guess I could say it's gotten better ,
at least it's not as bad as last week where I couldn't remember anything from the day before .
Though I still mess up the sequence of events throughout the week  ,
and I still couldn't remember in full or in a more normal and appropriate time span ,
of the names of those whom I frequently interact with
( mostly , it takes me about 5-6 minutes to remember their names . Which makes matters awkward sometimes  ) .
I'm confident I'll be able to get back my sharp memory in a little while .
Too young to feel this old . 
Next time,
I think it would be interesting to have a little notebook with me so I could jot down my own little observations and thoughts so that I could write it down here .
Just for my own little amusement and pass time ,
of course .

I find myself having random thoughts all the time ,
more so recently .
So much that it feels more like a vision .
Sometimes I could almost see it ,
right there ,
right in front of me .
My own thoughts ,
taking shape and building forms .
Once in tangled mess ,
slowly unwinding into clarity .
Sometimes it's rather overwhelming ,
where everything would come at once .
But just before I could unravel the answer I'm desperately searching for ,
it fades away .
Like ocean sprays ,
slowly fading into the vigorous tides that once brought them up ,
subsiding into the vast desolate ocean ,
into ambiguity and confusion ,
once again .
In a midst of desperation ,
I would sometimes panic .
And yes ,
over nothing.
It feels abosolutely ridiculous to cry over an abstract idea of my own .
I guess that's what they call a disturbed mind .
I guess I'm burning myself alive ,
in my own mind .
The sensation of hurt and shame absurdly vivid ,
it feels as though the pain is physical .
It'll fade away some day .
It'll fade away .

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I yearn not understanding ,
but a shoulder to lean on ,
when everything crumbles down on me .
I seek not love and affection ,
but warmth and comfort ,
when all else in the world feels callous and unsympathetic .
I want not promises  ,
empty and delusive ,
so fragile to touch .
I dare not dream ,
dare not wish ,
that anything ,
would stay as it is .   

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